[This is a long, tedious post. I swear to God there's no need for anybody to read this. I advise you not to be the exception. I don't even want to read it myself.]
I've lost sense. I'm just here to record what I'm thinking about because tomorrow's the day when I'll confirm my capabilities of reinventing myself through reciting stuff. I still think it's a big deal because, as I've mentioned before, I'm not the type who talks her way through everything.
I don't talk my way through anything, really. I don't even know how I managed to get through so much with so many unspoken words. They all think I'm the quiet one, and that's true in a lot of ways, but I really believe it's all dictated by familiarity. I'm never comfortable with them. I never figured out why I act like that. It's been that way since I entered the school I'm in now.
My mom promised me, though, that within three years, we're moving on to a different kind of life. Even if there's incongruity between her personality and everyone else's personality in this house, I believe her because she's my mom and due to some biological laws, she's supposed to be one of the good guys in my life.
That's far from now but sometimes the thought of a better future entertains you enough to help you forget about the present. I'm not actually calumniating my present life, because I'm fine with everything, but there really are times when you think you want to be more but you can't. And it gets considerably worse when you know people who can be that person you want to be without exerting any sort of effort.
It's not that easy to add another paragraph for explanation because I don't want to know what's going to happen if people actually read what I actually think, but suffice it to say, I'm a hopeful and broody kid who hopes she'd be able to march through Moon's Day without blacking out in the middle of everything.
I managed to record my voice and transfer it to my iPod in case I'll need something to calm me down. And speaking of those calm-me-down things, thinking about the people you love while you're nervous or in some sort of state like that helps. When I practice by myself, I think about my friends and I feel it, that thing that can be called happiness. A majority of those friends don't even know that I've leaped into Gehenna, and they probably never will, but the thought of them existing while I do those things makes me feel lighter.
It's unexplainable. I just miss them. While I was sitting in the pews a few hours ago, I thought about school and how I actually want to get back there now. I miss having my corner, and I miss having people around in my corner. I miss the homework-doing people, the Boys Like Girls people, the Minute Maid people, the Eastwood backstabbers people, my Science group people, the softball people who taught me that stealing bases was actually a legal thing, the she-male people, the non-confirmed people, the re-gifting people, the pantyhose people, the line-cutting cafeteria people (I still can't forgive them for line-cutting the day I had fever), the singing people, the dancing people, the stealing-things people (WTH did I phrase the last few groups like that...), the guitar-ing people, and even the I-don't-talk-to-people-like-you people...
I lost myself again. All I'm stating is that I'm still a nervous sort of person who would still evaporate and still leave a mist of chagrin but I have friends and they might not know this, but they just help me through this nervous state of mind by their mere existence.
I just have to imagine them there, scattered on the orchestra of the theater and I'll be okay. I hope this wasn't too shabby for a post but I couldn't help acknowledging this. It's way past my bedtime now and I still have to wake up early for practice. Good night and thank you, if you've reached this point of tonight's underwhelming post. I owe you a lot, too. :)
I've lost sense. I'm just here to record what I'm thinking about because tomorrow's the day when I'll confirm my capabilities of reinventing myself through reciting stuff. I still think it's a big deal because, as I've mentioned before, I'm not the type who talks her way through everything.
I don't talk my way through anything, really. I don't even know how I managed to get through so much with so many unspoken words. They all think I'm the quiet one, and that's true in a lot of ways, but I really believe it's all dictated by familiarity. I'm never comfortable with them. I never figured out why I act like that. It's been that way since I entered the school I'm in now.
My mom promised me, though, that within three years, we're moving on to a different kind of life. Even if there's incongruity between her personality and everyone else's personality in this house, I believe her because she's my mom and due to some biological laws, she's supposed to be one of the good guys in my life.
That's far from now but sometimes the thought of a better future entertains you enough to help you forget about the present. I'm not actually calumniating my present life, because I'm fine with everything, but there really are times when you think you want to be more but you can't. And it gets considerably worse when you know people who can be that person you want to be without exerting any sort of effort.
It's not that easy to add another paragraph for explanation because I don't want to know what's going to happen if people actually read what I actually think, but suffice it to say, I'm a hopeful and broody kid who hopes she'd be able to march through Moon's Day without blacking out in the middle of everything.
I managed to record my voice and transfer it to my iPod in case I'll need something to calm me down. And speaking of those calm-me-down things, thinking about the people you love while you're nervous or in some sort of state like that helps. When I practice by myself, I think about my friends and I feel it, that thing that can be called happiness. A majority of those friends don't even know that I've leaped into Gehenna, and they probably never will, but the thought of them existing while I do those things makes me feel lighter.
It's unexplainable. I just miss them. While I was sitting in the pews a few hours ago, I thought about school and how I actually want to get back there now. I miss having my corner, and I miss having people around in my corner. I miss the homework-doing people, the Boys Like Girls people, the Minute Maid people, the Eastwood backstabbers people, my Science group people, the softball people who taught me that stealing bases was actually a legal thing, the she-male people, the non-confirmed people, the re-gifting people, the pantyhose people, the line-cutting cafeteria people (I still can't forgive them for line-cutting the day I had fever), the singing people, the dancing people, the stealing-things people (WTH did I phrase the last few groups like that...), the guitar-ing people, and even the I-don't-talk-to-people-like-you people...
I lost myself again. All I'm stating is that I'm still a nervous sort of person who would still evaporate and still leave a mist of chagrin but I have friends and they might not know this, but they just help me through this nervous state of mind by their mere existence.
I just have to imagine them there, scattered on the orchestra of the theater and I'll be okay. I hope this wasn't too shabby for a post but I couldn't help acknowledging this. It's way past my bedtime now and I still have to wake up early for practice. Good night and thank you, if you've reached this point of tonight's underwhelming post. I owe you a lot, too. :)
