"...wouldn't voice out criticism..."
What I wrote in my journal last night was probably the weirdest, yet the most honest, thing I've written in my whole life. Remember the time I made a post addressed to Nobody Concerned and signed it with the wallflower-y thing? I did one of those again, with an addressee but without a signature. I figured, if I died anytime soon I might just have my journal sent to that person.
I just made up that decision ten seconds ago and I might still change my mind but the idea of that person unearthing what I buried in my journal seems fair to me. I'd like a day in the future when someone would actually understand why I do what I do or why I don't do what I don't do. The reason for why I act like this seems pretty clear to me and I hope it becomes so to that person, and a couple of others as well. Maybe they'd feel a delayed pang of regret.
I'm sorry to think the only way that would happen is when my soul's way up there or way down there. I don't know why I think about it this way. People are more forgiving after the end. That is why I don't want to have a funeral. Could I stand having my lifeless body displayed in a windowed casket for all these people who only decides to show up when I don't physically mean anything anymore? That desecration happened in my grandfather's funeral and I thought, what the hell is the point? I'll have myself cremated instead and I hope they distribute my ashes to the different oceans of earth. That would add value to my literal non-existence.
So as I was stating, I just had so much to say to one person in one day but I couldn't send my messages. The whole of me was just held back from what would have been the more productive thing to do. I don't know, I think I fear what that person would have to say back to me. Or worse, what if that person would have nothing to say back to me? I'd present a whole page of honesty and I'll get dead air? I don't understand the depth of everyone and I wish I had ESP.
Now wouldn't that be a lot easier for people like me who respond more than they talk? Instead of playing eternal charades with people and replacing everything I mean to say with everyday ellipses, everyone could just close their eyes and telepathically sort out the emotional clutter. But already, I know what you're thinking. The whole idea of it is stupid, isn't it?
This might be a little offbeat but the situation reminds me of a line from a book someone lent me last week. Your head is an orphanage for words. What kind of people thinks of these stuff anyway? I know this post has been long and dull. My mind's a little off. I prefer my previous post. It was all heart and no head. I know I need to make my point. I'll be posting this topic again in the future.
